Sleeping Suicide
by PPP SSC
Summary: Soren hurts a lot and is desperate to stop the pain whether his waking mind likes it or not. IkeXSoren, one sided StefanXSoren. WARNING: Contains graphic depictions of violence, spoilers.


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Path of Radiance characters. If I did they'd be a lot more boring.

By the way this story takes place in between chapters 23 and 24.

_Dear Diary,_

_Why me? Why must I suffer this way? All I can ever do is live and hope emptily that my life will get better. But of course it will not get better. I am what I am because I was born, and it's because of how I was born that I am persecuted so mercilessly. I just wish I was a purebred of some sort. At least they have people who care about them. I have "person" who cares about me, and if he dies, where will I be? I must not allow myself to be consumed by desperation and self-hatred, or the results would be… lethal. And I would hurt maybe two people if I was really lucky. Well not "lucky" but you know. I suppose I'm just rambling now._

_Good-night,_

_Soren_

The young mage closed his diary and placed it on the shelf next to his bed. He blew out the candles and slid into bed, softly weeping. He knew in his heart he could barely control his emotions. Or rather, could not. He had shared his deep, dark secret with the Commander Ike, his best and only friend, but that didn't make it any less painful. He had cried in his sleep for years, but nobody noticed. This night, he didn't wake up, but got up anyway… sleepwalking? Oh, much more horrible than that. Ike was cautious enough to make sure no knives were in Soren's room, but Soren's subconscious mind was too possessed by desperation to care… as he walked out of his room and into Sothe's… and stealing from a thief is allowed, right? Soren's mind cared not for technicalities. Soren inadvertently, unconsciously grabbed a knife and walked out the door.

"Ah!" the young pilferer shrieked as he heard the vase on his chest-of-drawers break. Upon hearing the shriek of his "friend", Tormod rushed to get Muarim.

"Muarim! I heard my friend Sothe screaming!" Tormod exclaimed.

"Little one," Muarim said softly, "Go back to bed. Get some sleep."

Stefan couldn't help but be startled by all the commotion. _What's going on?_ The swordsmaster with robes the color of plums, skin the color of overripe bananas, and hair the color of kiwi fruits pondered as he left his bed to see what the matter could be.

Meanwhile, Soren, still asleep, gripped the knife tightly, and cut the entire way across his wrist. Already eggshell pale, the rapid flowing of the scarlet channels caused Soren's face to appear pure white. He was dying in his sleep… and not the gentle, merciful kind.

Stefan was the first to see the horrid sight of the mind of the company… bleeding to death. He and Soren had shared a sort of emotional chord-strung bond, and boy when Stefan sees his dear friends suffering; he sure doesn't keep it to himself.

"Oh malevolent Goddess, what has he done to deserve such a terrible fate? You certainly aren't showing any protection; allowing his emotions to control him AT NIGHT when everyone should be asleep! It's just because we're NOTHING to you!"

A tear rolled down each of Stefan's cheeks as he examined the gash through the vein. Soren's eyes were closed, so Stefan assumed it was too late to do anything whatsoever about it. Then he listened and heard the soft, slow heartbeat of his friend. What could he do? He picked up Soren (which is not that hard to do when you are twice his size.) and carefully wrapped a thick bandage around the slit. Soren woke up and came to the grim realization that he had cut himself.

Of course, more than once before he had cut a small hole in his legs and hands, but never something this serious. Believing he would die in a matter of minutes, he attempted to relax. He wasn't bothered by the pain of the open wrist, after all the traumatic experience he went through and the secret that he keeps, only to be revealed to choice swordsmen who had gained his trust—something very few people had.

He cried profusely, openly, and without any fear of someone criticizing him. It would all be over soon, he told himself.

Stefan told Ike the terrible news as best he could which was, "C-c-c-c-commander? It's… It's… Soren. He's… bleeding to death. He needs help bad." Tears welled up in Stefan's eyes, and he doubled over crying.

"What! How is that… I mean how COULD he…?" Ike asked with a mixture of concern for a depressed, desperate friend and anger at himself for being foolish enough to not see that Soren had other methods of getting a sharp object.

Ike cried too, although not as loudly or as wetly as Stefan. Ike woke up Mist in the middle of the night.

Mist screamed, "AAAAAAH! NO I WON'T LET YOU TAKE THE MEDALLION!"

Ike says, "Mist… I'm sorry but the medallion is already stolen. Anyway it's a huge emergency: Soren is dying!"

Mist gasped. "I can help!" she said as she pulled out her heal staff.

She ran into the room where Soren was resting and she saw the damage done to the wrist and nearly fainted. It was at this moment that Ike realized he had definitely chosen the correct healer for this job.

She dizzily picked up her staff and waved it at Soren's bleeding wrist. Beautifully, the blood appeared to flow back into Soren, and whatever color his default face had had been fully restored.

"Thank you," Soren said feebly, and immediately burst into tears and embraced Mist.

"Ummm" Mist said. She was surprised and slightly annoyed at Soren for being so emotional. She attempted to back out of his grip, causing him to tumble over and land on his stomach and chin.

"Mist!" Ike scolded. He was a kind brother and never treated his sister wrongly, but was unafraid to get tough when she harmed his friends.

"I was just a little…" Mist said angrily.

"If someone who just nearly KILLED HIMSELF IN HIS SLEEP wants to HUG you, you let him. Do you understand?" Ike yelled with a slightly biased tone.

"Ike…I…" Soren protested. He didn't like family crises… but in a way he did. It made him feel SLIGHTLY blessed.

Ike turned his attention to Soren. "Are you okay?" he asked sympathetically.

"After slitting my wrist… breaking one or two of my teeth is harmless."

Ike gave Soren a gentle cuddle. Soren smiled. Ike believed this was enough protection for Soren to be safe from self-attacks.

He was wrong. That night, when everyone was asleep, including Soren, Soren sat up in his bed. Pondering what had gone wrong last time; Soren's subconscious mind realized that Soren must find a way to destroy himself without leaving his bedroom. The answer was so obvious—choking.

Soren could choke himself and not have any fear of someone noticing. Unknowingly, Soren wrapped his neck in his gaunt fingers, cutting off his oxygen supply. Soren's mind's motives didn't stop his body from making racket—it was fading fast, and not happy about it.

Soren's body was probably one of the unhappiest bodies out there. It was constantly being neglected and abused by its owner and everyone else. It tried to survive, but it was beginning to think its owner was against that.

Soren began to make that gagging half-breath noise that people who are choking make. The racket was a soft racket, but loud enough for a certain demi-hawk to hear.

Immediately, Ulki shot up and announced "Somebody is choking. Sounds like a beorc… I guess? He's growing, not fully mature but not totally immature, and I think he's asleep."

"OH MY DEAR FRIEND!" a disturbed Stefan (tingling Soren senses?) screamed and ran into Soren's room. Soren was gripping his throat tightly, and just like the wrist incident, he was fast asleep. Gingerly, Stefan handled Soren's skinny hand in his significantly larger one and removed it from his neck. Stefan shared breath with his friend (or was that a kiss?) He smiled when Soren opened his eyes and began to breathe steadily again.

"Promise you won't tell Ike?" Soren asked.

"Soren… you… nearly strangled yourself in your sleep. Commander Ike and I… we're the only people you have in the world. It… would be abuse for me not to tell him." Stefan said before realizing Soren's plight made him burst out crying.

Soren sobbed as he said, "But if Ike finds out, I'll be in trouble."

Stefan held Soren's hand and said, "Commander Ike knows none of this is your fault. But please listen: Your life is very important to us both. If Ike thinks you are fine, and finds you dead the next morning, it'll crush him."

"Okay, you can tell him." There was little to keep Soren afraid of dying. One of the things that strongly remained was the fear of hurting Ike. Ike was, to Soren, what a mother is to most people—someone who is always there for you when you are sad and hurt and feeling lost.

Stefan said to himself, "Poor little guy."

As soon as Ike found out about the strangling incident, he rushed over to get Soren. "Soren, is it true that you almost strangled yourself?" he screamed worriedly.

"Oh… Ike…" Soren wept helplessly, "I don't know what to do… I'm completely helpless against my own actions… save me."

Soren gripped Ike's waist and cried louder. Ike grabbed Soren's head and began stroking his soft, umber hair. Ike realized that Soren needed more comfort than he believed himself capable of giving.

Soren's emotional structure is a frail thing. It'll fall over if nudged, collapse violently if barely tweaked, and if something really awful happened to it, it would crumble and perhaps disintegrate. It was this crumbled and disintegrated state that was Ike's job to keep Soren from feeling.

Ike and Soren cuddled each other for the rest of the night. And the next day. And the following week, only stopping to eat. (Well, Ike did anyway.) No sleeping had taken place between those times. Soren was a small person, so his body couldn't take this much sleeping abstinence. He fell asleep in Ike's arms. Ike looked at Soren's face. Soren was smiling. He was asleep, but he wasn't crying, and better yet… he wasn't DYING! Ike cried with joy and put Soren in bed. Fearing that Soren would attempt to kill himself again as soon as he left, Ike put Soren in HIS bed and crawled in next to him.

Stefan saw Ike and Soren in bed together and he cried. He thought _how can I compete with THAT! _


End file.
